Sleep and Control

Yes, my child has a bedtime. Yes, she has a bedtime routine. And yes, she's awake at 9:30 more nights than not. And no, I am not planning to do anything about it. Also, yes, she slept on the floor with her head sticking out of the bedroom door for more than a year. And no, I didn't do anything about that, either.

Let me point out that she appears to sleep plenty; she wakes up at the same time every day, it's early enough so that most days I don't need to wake her up to get her to school on time, she isn't sleepy during the day, she grows fine, she thinks fine… There's no sign that she's short on sleep. Nor was there ever any sign that she felt that the floor was an uncomfortable or undesirable place to sleep.

If I seem a bit defensive, I am a bit defensive. I have an internal point system, which I blame on the society around me. On this particular topic, points are awarded for having a bedtime routine, having an inflexible bedtime, getting your child into bed early, and having them stay quietly in their own bed without disturbing anybody. No points are awarded for having a kid who wakes up on their own in the morning. Points are awarded for napping, but not for not needing a nap. I do not get very many points. My child may have a bedtime, but it's "too late" and besides, she's only in bed by it about 5 days out of 7.

I find it helpful to talk about these points, because it helps me remember that this is all insane. These cultural rules are extremely specific to this place and time, and to a social group I don't even spend much time with (I don't even know exactly where I pick this stuff up from; apparently it floats in the air like smog). My friends don't care. My kid is not improved by following these rules. Even if she was, it turns out everybody has a slightly different scoring system. So, for instance, my internalized scoring system does not deduct points for being scared of the dark; my husband's does. He gets to deduct an extra two points from his score for her nightlight and the stuffed animals she sleeps with.

The fact is, you cannot force a person to sleep. Even if you could, different people need different amounts of sleep. Different adults need different amounts of sleep, but in adults, needing more sleep is stigmatized, whereas the "good" children are the ones that sleep the most. Go figure. Sleeping more than you need to is not good for you, or, if you are a child, for your growing brain. Yes, you need sleep for brain development, but you also need input.

The goal, therefore, should be to get the right amount of sleep, and this is not a goal that is aided by fighting about sleep. Or about stuffed animals, or nightlights, or whatever. It is aided by a sleep-inducing environment (and this, also, is different for different people), and a calm expectation that you will sleep when you need to. Really little children often need a whole lot of help getting the right amount of sleep; bigger ones usually need less. (Most people also have an internal scoring system in which they lose points for having children, even babies, who need help to get to sleep.) At some point there is a tricky transition from helping your child get to sleep to trying to force your child to go to sleep, and once you find yourself there, it's time to stop.

Some of people's worries about sleep are about getting children to have enough sleep. Some of them are based in societal pressure and the desire to have a quiet child-free time after dinner. These can be dealt with by a) growing up and b) insisting that your child, whether sleeping or not, be quiet and confined to one room.

There are great advantages to changing the "You need to sleep now" rule to a "You need to be quiet and in your bedroom" rule. To start with, if you're trying to get a child to sleep, the child has nothing to lose. You are already insisting on all the things the child doesn't want, and the closest thing to a good outcome for the child is to have you right there, suffering along. Thus, your goals and the child's goals are completely opposed. This cannot end well. On the other hand, if the child has the right to amusements, as long as they are enjoyed quietly in semi-darkness and in the bedroom, you can align your interests pretty well. You want to keep the nightlight and the right to amuse yourself? Stay quiet and stay put. And suddenly, everybody is happy.

And what if they never grow out of it, whatever "it" is? People do go to college with stuffed animals and night lights. People mostly snicker affectionately. It does not keep them from growing up to be president, or win Nobel prizes, or for that matter meeting the right partner and living happily ever after. My mother had a co-worker with grown children who'd never learned to sleep alone, a fact she didn't really notice until her kids moved out and her husband went on a business trip. I can't say that people were totally non-judgmental, but nobody said "Well! Her mother certainly raised her wrong!" When my childless co-workers drag themselves zombie-like to the coffee machine because they just couldn't get to sleep, nobody says "Your parents sure should have taught you better." And nobody has ever attributed their successes in life to the ability to lie still in the dark with their eyes closed that they picked up as a sleepless kid.